I'm going slightly mad
by Rycitia
Summary: Watanuki does as the title suggests. Doumeki assists in doing so. And beware of fangirlYuuko. She forces Donuts. Because she can.
1. Just slightly

What Queen can do to your exhaustingly creative and up to this point dreadfully underemployed mind. I was listening, I got these pictures in my head, and then Yuuko went all fangirl.

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„I'm going slightly mad." Watanuki declared as he put down his bag.  
"What makes you think so?", Yuuko inquired. "Don't feel shy to tell me, self-discovery is the first step towards healing." Her smug grin didn't falter when Watanuki screeched something unrepeatable, but between the death threats, the bits of self-pity squished in and the general noise, she could make out, "That's exactly what's driving me so mad! And that idiot had to annoy me, imagine….", then she tuned him out. It made her slightly proud to be Watanuki's source of growing madness, but she appeared to be only second in ranking – Doumeki was far ahead, it seemed.

At least Watanuki had already stated his current mind when he entered. She decided to have him let out his energy doing something useful, in the kitchen, preparing her dinner, for example.

"I want Ramen-soup with shrimp today, and don't forget to spice it!" With that, she shoved the boy into the kitchen, collapsing on her chair as soon as peace surrounded her again. Watanukis grumblings could be heard, but the paper walls were able to catch more sounds than one would expect. Well, as one would expect in a normal house. This was Yuuko's shop, and she just wouldn't do with _normal_ walls.

Watanuki heaved the empty plate away, having already placed the bottles of sake and other liquor on the desk. "Can I go now?"  
"Yes, yes, it's fine…" Yuuko giggled and had another toast with Mokona, whose cheeks (Watanuki suspected the black bun consisted only of cheeks) were tinted rosé. "But you know what….?" She pointed at the boy in waiting, who seemed to be at least a bit intimidated by the half-full glass of whiskey.  
"What…?"  
"You're one card short of a full deck!", she declared equally drunk as enigmatic. Watanuki raised an eyebrow and pondered over the possibility that the alcohol had eaten too many of Yuuko's brain cells by now. He reached the glorious solution that she was just plain bonkers and one should not spend too much time listening to the mad, otherwise oneself is in the danger of going mad. And, as he had already stated, Watanuki was very close to tilting over that thin line. So he packed the leftovers and bid Yuuko goodbye. Maru and Moru raced to the door to hold it open for him, chanting, "Watanuki is slightly mad!", in wich he was even able to detect a fairly good riddle.

Sitting down, he spread his books all over the small desk. He liked to see everything when he worked, and a biology test was due tomorrow, so he opened every just slightly green book he posessed. Concentrating on worms and their danger to potatoes, he overheard the first knock on the door. The second one made him look up, the third one let him wonder who would want something at such a rude – it was 8 p.m., homework! – time. Quickly, he crossed the room to open the lock.

A bow was almost shoved up his nose, leaving him screeching at Doumeki, who had no manners whatsoever and dared to enter into Watanuki's small, but _sacred_ apartement, and did he not know that it was _way_ past the time to pay a surprise visit to anyone, much less your _rival_ and would he _please_ put his shoes away _neatly_? While Doumeki made himself comfortable on the sofa, Watanuki hastly fixed some tea, at least he had some good manners left, they obviously had to serve for both of them. Slamming the cup down in front of his guest, he demanded, "And what _exactly_ made you come here at such a time?"  
The archers sipped some of the tea, and aswered so cooly Watanuki was amazed the liquid didn't start to produce ice crystals. "I forgot my keys when I left for archery practice and my parents are not home."

Watanuki seriously doubted his ears kicking into gear in time, because what he just heard couldn't be Doumeki's reason to come over to _his_ place. It just didn't seem possible by any rational standarts that the archer would, of all the locations a strangely popular guy like him could pick from, choose his rivals' miniature apartement to calmly drink tea at. Watanuki expressed that in far more words and far ruder words, but the message was essentially the same.

Naturally, all Doumeki did was stare elaborately at him, as if he was either very concerned about his hearing sense or suspected Watanuki of having accidentally left some of his brain cells over at Yuuko's since all he offered as an answer was, "Could I have another coup of tea?"  
Watanuki was left to slander about the world in general and Doumeki specifically, who obviously didn't even know how to thank properly for the fourth cup of tea.

Later, when Watanuki had calmed down a bit – that is to say, somehow, totally beside himself, was able to tolerate the other boy, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the warm fuzzy feeling in his stomach – for the sake of spending the evening, they had settled on a game of Go. The boy with glasses was losing spectacularly, but since it was the second game of Go in his whole life, the first one being won by Yuuko, he wasn't too bad a looser. Doumeki wasn't too bad a winner, and they decided on a compromised price: Doumeki got mochi for a week, but he paid for the ingredients.

"Are you sure your parents are back home? You should try to phone them before you leave, otherwise you'll just have to turn back. And it's cold.", Watanuki proposed when Doumeki announced threatening, no, no, _wanting_ to head home. The archer agreed, not without sneaking a glance at the other. Maybe the sake and the litchi-wine they had had while playing Go – hey, it's a tradition – had an unexpected effect on Watanuki: he got all agreeable and actually showed concern and affection. Or he was just too tired to shout.

This was too good an opportunity to pass up, so Doumeki picked up the receiver, dialled some random number, waited for exactly one minute, and hung up. "They're not home.", he declared, feeling not the least pang of guilt. Watanuki just nodded and wandered off towards the bedroom, the other following closely behind. There, Watanuki pulled out another futon, tossed it to Doumeki and tried to rant, "At least set your own bed!", but only got as far as "…bed…", then he slumped on the futon already spread out and snored soundly.

Doumeki, torn between the futon in his hands and the other ready-made, warm, inviting, Watanuki-bearing bed, was a bit helpless. But, confident of being master of dealing with Watanuki even in the early morning, he settled on snuggling up to the other boy. Of course he put it into different words, like, _the heating's off_, or _some spirit could attack_, but essentially, the outcome was the same and pleasant.

"Hello, Watanuki!" Two pairs of arms were thrown his way, and one pork bun landed atop his head. Dazzled and slightly thrown off balance (not to mention that he was buried under two very ecstatic and very hugging twins), Watanuki blinked up at Yuuko, complete and utter bafflement on his face. Had she had beer that early in the day or was it just another usual bunch of Yuuko-madness thrown his way? He tried to adjust his glasses, but even the pipe fox had decided to participate in the overall cuddling and suffocating Watanuki, and had wound himself around his upper body, rendering him the (in his opinion) most pitiable boy in the world.  
Yuuko grinned like a maniac, but that wasn't off the routine, for once. She was frighteningly similar to the Cheshire cat about to lure Alice into the Queen's territory. And the she hugged him too.

"Ooooh, my boy, you have no idea how proud I am! Finally you've overstepped the boundaries of society and your own idioticy and spazzing and commented yourself to your heart's desire!", she squealed, squishing him between her arms.  
"Huh?", was Watanuki's extremely mature and sophisticated answer. It wasn't that he didn't catch on she was talking about. He didn't comprehend her at all, that was the problem.  
Yuuko just hugged him tighter, all too happy for a reason Watanuki seemed to be essential to, but failing to understand the _how_s and _why_s. "I know it takes a lot of courage to act so bravely on one's feelings, but in your case, you were quite sure, weren't you? Certainly, oh, it was there for everyone to see, and even though you're a moron and incredibly stupid sometimes, you made it! Don't you understand I'm proud of my little servant?"

Watanuki stood rigid. This wasn't only, well, most due to the overall hugging happing around and on him, but also to the idea that slowly blossomed in his head. Or rather, an idea of the idea in Yuuko's head. But one should not expect the worst immediately (though Watanuki is a spectacular pessimist, and intends to stay this way), so he asked Yuuko, very, very carefully and fully anticipating the worst.  
……Seems he had to redefine 'worst'. Yuuko's worst drained his face of blood, his lungs of air and his brain of coherent thoughts.

"What? I'm talking about you and Doumeki-kun finally embracing the full depth of your relationship, admitting yourself to the deep bound between the two of you and may I pretty, pretty please design your dresses for the wedding? You'll go all in blue, such a light, cool colour, matching your eyes, and I'll have Doumeki wear either emerald green or violet, I don't know yet….Watanuki? Are you breathing?"

The yelling almost took the roof off. Mokonas ear's fluttered in the wind, and the twins had reached shelter (behind Yuuko, who just contemplated Watanuki's new amount of voice volume) barely in time, and after Watanuki had calmed down the slightest bit, he croaked (hey, no voice can stand such abuse for long) in the general direction of Yuuko, "How did you get that §&$ idea?"

The time witch just huffed, looking a bit annoyed, for she had already set up her sewing machine, so as to not loose any time, but answered honestly. "I had a look in my water mirror this morning, because I was getting….interesting vibes." Her leering grin told him exactly what kind of vibes she was referring to. "What I saw…sent my yaoi-fangirl-heart aflame." Now she had this certain look in her eyes, the one fangirls all over the world get when they get to watch a long-waited for love scene between their favourite coupling. Except that Yuuko didn't drool. Because Yuuko just _didn't_ drool.

"Snuggled up together in the afterglow of passionate love-making, sure of the love now binding you….owww, it was quite a picture."  
Still, Watanuki had problems breathing properly, but at least he now knew whom to feed poisoned mochi the next day. True, the heating was off. True, he had been pretty cold. True, Doumeki had been warm and comfy and quite cuddly when asleep. And waking up had been an experience in itself (an interesting one, Watanuki had to admit). But having Yuuko go all fangirl over her declared couple was too much for the poor boy.  
He fainted unceremoniously.

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I love fangirl-Yuuko. I almost couldn't stop her rants. It's a natural thing, you see. It's also quite obvious I'm prepared to give you number two. Of this story, that is. The chapter is finished and waiting to be put up. If you want me to, just tell me.

And cheers to all those who got the snips and snippets of the Song.


	2. Pretty much

Because I get ramen for doing this and because I 'm being threatened by Yuuko (something nasty'll happen if I don't), I posting the second chapter now. Which makes my story complete. Don't think I didn't have a marvellous time writing it, because I did. But that's not the point. The point is that you ought to have a marvellous time eading it. I sincerely hope so, otherwise there's no use posting stuff. You can see clearly now: All I'm trying to achieve is getting a little comment. Cause that just makes an author's day.

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When one wakes up from a deep, dark, desperate slumber, the first thing to cross one's vision is usually not a bouncing meatball declaring "The princess has woken up!", a leering time-witch eager for details of a supposedly naughty night, and a stock of yaoi-manga in the corner. But Watanuki was already fairly used to this madhouse in disguise of a shop, so he managed to stay awake. Looking up at Yuuko and Mokona, he was ready to admit defeat. They wore grins that translated into _'My, last night must have been a blast if he's so worn out'_ (at least Yuuko's did, the meatball just grinned it's ears off generally speaking), and Watanuki just didn't have the energy anymore to fight them on solid ground – knowing Yuuko was already applying pearls to his wedding kimono.

A very tired, exhausted, deflated Watanuki Kimihiro left an empty lot, at least from Doumeki's perspective. He had been waiting for about five minutes only, meaning Yuuko must have let Watanuki go off without having him prepare a decent late-night-snack, midnight-meal and knightly breakfast.  
Watanuki caught sight of Doumeki quickly, and instead of entering full rant-mode immediately (as was to be expected, otherwise it just didn't make Doumeki's day) he seemed to slump even more. Doumeki was slightly worried, but determined to find out the reason for this suspicious lack of yelling. He was nosy, incredibly nosy in fact, but most of the time he managed to hide it well.

"Oi." Now if that didn't get a rise out of the bespectacled boy, he would have to check his temperature. Or take advantage of the situation, depending on his amount of bravery of the day.  
Watanuki just stared at Doumeki. The way one stares when one is contemplating the twelve-legged guinea pig turned into a vacuum cleaner with pink stripes and yellow polka dots. Blinking slowly. And not moving a muscle. And being, at least from Doumeki's point of view, very, very cute doing so. Because of the big eyes and stuff.

"What's wrong with you?", Doumeki managed to say before he actually gave in to the adorable big eyes (those mentioned before. Watanukis eyes, to be specific. Very specifically Watanukis eyes, yes.) and jumping the other bo…erm, jumping to conclusions about his well-being. He was glad his mouth could think quicker than his hands could grab anything. Anything related to Watanuki and his body, that is.

Finally, Watanuki answered, and his voice was just a bit strained. "She thinks we had sex."  
He dropped himself onto the concrete, buried his face in his hands. "She is a mad yaoi-fangirl who gave me a big tube of lube. She is sewing me a light blue wedding kimono. You're getting a green one. Oh, and yours got a golden obi with red embroidery. That's what wrong with me."

The time it took for Doumeki to process this amount of information was long enough for Watanuki to stagger to his feet again and head towards his apartment. He was still swaying slightly, and decided he'd need a good amount of sleep to get over this. Like, dozing away the rest of the century. Sounded like a nice and sensible thing to do.

When Doumeki grabbed his arm, Watanuki turned around, but only because the other boy was pretty strong. The archer seemed eager to tell Watanuki something, the bespectacled boy sensed, and hoped it wasn't something along the lines of _'But I don't want a green one, I'd like a violet one much better.'_, because then he'd just drop dead on the spot. At least he'd try to do that, then.

Doumeki had mulled over the information Watanuki had supplied him with, and was ready to put himself on the brink of extinction. "Do we have to pay her for the lube?"  
Watanuki didn't scream. He didn't drop dead either, sadly. He just shut off all and any means of thinking and let his mind take a short holiday from this absolutely and obviously perfectly crazy reality. It was the only way he knew to save his dwindling sanity.  
If the bespectacled boy kept his mouth shut for such a long period of time, Doumeki mused, he must be either thinking very hard or be near oblivion. But either way, he grew hungry. Thus, he wanted to get his answer and then a decent meal. And some Watanuki as dessert please, thank you very much.

"Do we, now?", he inquired once again. Watanuki still watched him in his stupor, and then, very slowly and very controlled he told Doumeki: "No."  
Deciding to end this all for good, he turned around and marched off. And, in case Doumeki hadn't gotten his answer, he fixed the ground and told it, as firmly he could muster without giving himself a heart attack, "She insisted on it being an engagement present." When he was quite sure the ground had understood him and accepted the inevitable, he glanced at Doumeki, who was busy contemplating this. Finally, the archer came to the conclusion he ought to admit something quite important to Watanuki.  
"Listen, there's something you ought to know about this whole marrying business……"  
Watanuki was ready to accept even the most outrageous statement the archer could give him at this point. Whatever Doumeki was about to tell him now, it couldn't shake his world any more.

"I've been meaning to tell you for quite some time, but I just couldn't muster the courage."  
Readying himself for quite anything, and confident he could handle it too, Watanuki sent Doumeki a half-tired, half-attentive glare. After today, nothing would faze him. Nothing. Ever.  
"Well…."  
Or so he thought.  
"The other day, Himawari-chan asked me…..well, she asked me if she could be your best woman in case we ever got around to marrying. Or something like that. She _really_ wanted to."  
He gave Watanuki what he hoped was a _you-know-how-important-this-is-to-her-so-don't-deny-her-this-wish_-look, and was quite surprised to find Watanuki had passed out.

Yuuko devoured her plate of shrimp tempura with great gusto. "This is delicious, my dear boy!", she cheered in Watanuki's general direction, i.e. the kitchen. The addressed boy took faint notice of her joy concerning the meal. The rest of his recently returned mind was occupied with contemplating the almost finished light blue kimono, decorated with ridiculous pearls and so tight he barely had managed to kneel when Yuuko had him try it on in order to get the length of the sleeves right. He had a vague idea why the witch had cut it so firm around his behind, and he was fairly sure it had absolutely nothing to do with saving cloth.

When his mind was finished with mourning his miserable, horrible and Doumeki-stuffed live, he turned back to making some strange dish Yuuko had requested toady as the late-late-evening snack. At least, Watanuki was sure of his mind now being happily occupied, and that was an immense relief. Thinking about the practically see-through and very, very clingy yukaka Yuuko was designing for the wedding night, his brain had fumed with embarrassment for a while.

Declaring his work of the day done, he announced towards the gardens, where Yuuko was currently lounging away, "I'm going home now! Your food is in the fridge, and the sake is in the top cupboard."  
"Okay." Her face popped around the edge of the door, bearing a dreadful grin. Dreadful for Watanuki, of course. "And don't overwork yourself tonight, I want to plant a few new flowers tomorrow, you'll need all your strength for that."  
"Sure I'll help. But what should I overwork myself with? I don't have much homework today and I ate here." The boy crooked his eyebrows. And the witch grinned. It almost split her face in half. And Watanuki regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.  
"Weeell…..of course, I can only imagine what you naughty boys are up to tonight, but just don't overdo it, okay?" The shameless, yaoi-fangirl-trademark leer on her face told the boy each and every dirty, embarrassing and sweaty detail on her mind. He freaked.

When his voice finally gave out, he slid to the floor, twisting his hands in his hair (his gorgeous, shining, very-arousing-when-wet-hair, Doumeki would have added at this point) and wailed, "This can't be happening! I endured so much in my life, I'm an orphan, poor and the spirit's favourite dish, and to make it up for me, fate presents me with a perverted boss and a groping partner in crime! It's not fair!"  
"Groping?" Yuuko's face lit up. "Wonderful."  
"Stop! I'm already going slightly mad as it is, I don't need your yaoi-fangirl-ism!"  
Yuuko contemplated the boy whining in front of her, the amount of cloth she'd cut off his light blue wedding kimono as a punishment for giving her no details about his sex-life, and his answer. Then she declared, „Slightly? You must be kidding, my dear Watanuki."

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Fact is, I wrote that last line before I wrote the whole fic. I was listening to Queen, going like, what would Crowley say? And then it hit me, pretty hard and with grim determination to be written down. That was two years ago, but somehow I managed to finish it. Don't ask how. It involves some creepy deal with Yuuko and Doumeki complaining he wants to ravage Watanuki. Which he isn't even allowed to do here. For which he nearly had my head off. But again, that's beside the point.


End file.
